The In-Between Stage
Have you moved to a temporary home, only to feel stuck in an in-between stage?
For whatever reason you’ve found yourself here, tell yourself you’re in for a marathon-type challenge. An in-between stage, for most people, can be trying. No longer do you have your home-sweet-home, a safe place to relax, your favorite set up or go-to snacks in the kitchen.
Instead, you’re somewhere else. You’re not home. Perhaps you’re in someone else’s home. Perhaps you’re in a hotel or temporary studio. Maybe you’re not even in a place you got to choose.
But you’re here. It’s time to make the best out of what you’ve got.
When Can I Start Unpacking?
Trust me. The more you stare at your stuff, still packed and collecting dust, the sadder you might become. While you moved all your life belongings out of your old place weeks or months ago, you haven’t been able to take the next step.
This usually results in trying to recall where you packed the envelopes, painter’s tape, your not-so-fancy dress shoes, and more important items like your passport! It’s not uncommon to lose things during a move.
At some point, you’ll have to give up searching. You won’t be able to recall where you packed certain things and that’s just the way it is. You’re lucky if you have some access to your belongings, but even then, maybe not so lucky. I’ve spent hours sifting through luggage, trying to find something only to give up.
For me, I was in a situation where I could only unpack my clothes. There wasn’t room to do anything else. All the bathroom, kitchen, and living room areas were completely furnished with no space to spare. Everything else of mine sat in its box or suitcase, patiently awaiting its next home.
Living With Your In-Laws
My in-between place was at my in-laws. Living with in-laws was one of my non-negotiables in my marriage and look where I ended up. Surprise!
The main reason I said I would never live with in-laws is due to the close proximity of living under the same roof. When you live with other people, you are running the risk of losing that relationship. It’s just the way these things go.
For those of you who have lived with roommates, an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, you understand how easily this can happen. How many of your past roommates do you keep in touch with? Due to unforeseen conflicts and problems that arise, often people move out and move forward without each other in their lives. And this is okay! But it is the reality for most.
On the other hand, you could definitely build a closer relationship with those in your shared living space. How close, however, is best?
It’s what you’ve already read and heard and then some. Whether you move in with your in-laws or total strangers, the symptoms of the root issues are usually what will break your relationship. If you want to keep these relationships alive and well, you need to take special care of yourself to successfully make it through your in-between time.
If you don’t, there is a real chance the relationship will be damaged enough to make a long-term difference. Let’s look at several topics which have great potential to become highly problematic areas.
Expectations
When in a common living space, there are automatically thousands of assumed expectations by individuals for the same place. Depending on your background, routines, and preferences, each person will have an expectation of things like:
- cleanliness – how clean or neat the shared space ought to be
- communication – how much is shared, language barriers, how much is TMI
- lifestyle – there might be generational or traditional expectations for how you live your life socially, religiously, sexually, parenting-wise
- monetary choices – you will probably get to know the financial situations of each other, as it’s much harder to keep your information to yourself, even phone calls you or they overhear, mail that comes in becomes not-so-private any more
- family obligations – all of a sudden I had found myself sitting in another family’s dynamics, problems, drama, arguments, conflict, and whether or not I wanted to be there, I was there.
- privacy – Living down the hallway from in-laws is a new situation that completely takes away your home-sweet-home type of privacy. The absence of privacy has the power to change your lives drastically.
I’d like to take a closer look at the area of communication.
Communication
We all know how significant communication plays in life. Whether you are communicating with another person, your pet, or co-worker, communication can make or break your relationship.
It’s not even that you want to just make it, but you want the type of communication where both parties are benefiting each other. Considering all the different kinds of communication styles, upbringings, and skills, this can be extremely tricky to master.
Is your communication with this particular person effective?
Assess how you are communicating with those in your in-between stage. It takes a lot of good ingredients to keep a positive, healthy relationship going.
Some of these ingredients include:
- patience
- listening skills
- engagement
- sound judgment
- tact and sharing enough
- timing
- goodwill
- respect
- smiles 🙂 🙂 🙂
In the same way, bad ingredients can quickly cause a relationship to start crumbling and weakening. These could include:
- ill-will
- impatience
- excessively critical
- hypocrisy
- sharing TMI
- disrespectful
- constant frowns
- prideful
- overdramatic
- annoying
When both parties are smiling (smiling helps!), respectful, and open to a degree, a relationship has a very good chance of maintaining itself and possibly growing. Each person is effectively spurring the other person with solid communication.
If just one person isn’t listening well, the effectiveness drops. If only one person is speaking can communication still be strong?
Most people would not want to continue to engage in a one-sided relationship that was lacking in benefits for them. Finding the right balance between two people is key in giving them a chance to allow their communication to be clear and mutually advantageous.
Cultural and Age Differences
Some things make overall communication a challenge but are not bad or good in and of themselves. When you’re with people of a different culture than you, a lot of misunderstandings can take place. You may offend each other without even realizing what you’ve done. The same thing goes, for example, living with seniors. People who are aging are living through a phase in life which you may not identify with. This may require you to make greater efforts to understand who exactly you’re living with and what it will take to live well together.
For me, living with my in-laws sometimes reminds me of my parents. The similarities I find here can sometimes lead to the same kind of frustrations I have with my own parents. I certainly will not act the same way towards my in-laws as I do my parents! However, as time goes on, I find myself inching towards my old habits.
Alert! Danger! This is one of the main reasons living with in-laws was a non-negotiable for me. Having the discretion and proactiveness to move yourself out in order to salvage relationships is a very real thing. You don’t need another set of parents to have the same issues with. Or new ones for that matter. It’s time to move on – when this window, in fact, finally opens for you!
All of these challenging moments you come across with your housemates, no matter who they are, are then opportunities for you to respond in original, new, and better ways. Especially if you’ve hit a wall repeatedly with similar situations you’ve experienced in your past.
There is going to be a degree of knowledge and understanding on your part that will need to develop in order to better the relationships you have. Take the initiative to make the best of your situation and remember, it’s temporary. Be smarter with your choices with communication, confrontations, and interactions. Set your boundaries, guard your privacy, and make yourself and others happier this way.
Remember to be patient with yourself and with those you are sharing space with. As they say, people, including yourself, do not change overnight.
Looking Forward to the Next Move
Once you see the light at the end of the tunnel, take a deep breath. You’re in your last mile! In other words, you’ve put your deposit down on a new apartment, have a room waiting at a friend’s place, or have opened escrow on your new house. Celebrate!
Keep yourself occupied as you prepare for your move! Depending on your next home, there will be at least a dozen things to get ready for.
Once we had our offer accepted for a condo about a one-hour drive away, I created an excel sheet and started inputting all the things we’d have to purchase, order, or shop for once the keys were in our hands.
As for your temporary and lovely housemates, remember that they also had to learn to live with you. They decided to allow you in their space. And you may not have been the easiest person to have around either!
Since my housemates were my in-laws, I still try to be on my best behavior and greet them each day with a smile and a “Good morning!” May the rough patches be the worst I’ll ever have to go through.
For now, let’s pretend they are. Look back on them with a wave of your hand. Now smile and just keep moving forward!
